The face in the mirror
by RGoodfellow64
Summary: Conjecture on the end of season arc, with a conversation between Kate and Alexis. Chapter 2 now up. WARNING, contains spoiler info from Still
1. Chapter 1

The face in the mirror

Chapter 1

by RGoodfellow64

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Disclaimer: Not mine, if they were, there'd be some Castle babies on the way.

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She'd been staring at the bottles for a few hours now. The expensive bottle of wine that Rick had left here a couple of months ago for a 'special occasion.' She'd completely forgotten about it this evening as she bought a bottle of cheap vodka on her way home.

She'd been staring at those two bottles while the tears kept falling. She never hurt this badly before. Even the loss of her mother didn't compare to the stabbing pain this caused.

'Why can't he understand?' she thought to herself once again. This was the opportunity of a lifetime for anyone in the law enforcement profession. She knew of a dozen detectives who would jump at the chance to just be considered, and she was hand selected. They wanted her over every other officer in New York. Her! Detective Kate Beckett, was hand selected for Homeland Security. A position that was a fast track for advancement. Where she could make a real difference in the lives of others.

Why couldn't he be happy for her? Why? Not only wasn't he happy to hear the news, he looked…she stopped for a moment as his face came back to mind…he looked devastated.

Devastated. As soon as she thought the word, she knew it fit perfectly. It was exactly how he looked. She didn't even remember the argument they had; she just knew his shoulders slumped as she angrily walked away.

She stared at the bottle of wine and thought, 'If this isn't a special occasion, I don't know what is,' but still didn't reach for it. She didn't know what to do and so she simply sat and cried. Filled with a pain she never thought she'd face.

She didn't bother to look at the screen when her phone rang; she just picked it up and said, "Beckett." Only it wasn't the steady, take-charge voice she'd cultivated over the years that came out, her voice was raw, and it sounded like she was crying.

"Det. Beckett?" a quiet voice asked.

"Alexis?"

"May I please speak to you, Det. Beckett?"

She answered as she always has when Alexis called her Det. Beckett, "Kate. Call me Kate, Alexis." Although why Alexis would even want to talk to her now was beyond her understanding.

However, for the first time since Kate and Rick became a couple, Alexis said, "Alright, Kate."

Although surprised Kate was grateful and softly said, "So…what…uh, why… um, can I help you, Alexis?"

"I want to know why, Kate. I just want to know why."

Kate took a deep breath, "Alexis…"

"Please don't tell me it's complicated or something I won't understand. I'm going to be nineteen soon, I think I'm adult enough to ask that question and receive an answer."

Kate sighed and ran her left hand through her hair, "I…Alexis it…" she sighed once again and said, "I thought…things have been…" she paused again and didn't know how to start.

"You decided to take a job with Homeland Security?" Alexis asked.

Thankful for something to grab onto, Kate replied, "Yes, Alexis. Yes I did."

"Then why did you do that?"

"Alexis, it's an amazing opportunity that anyone in law enforcement would jump at. I think I can do so much more there than here."

"Washington rather than New York?" Alexis asked in a small voice.

"No! Not at all Alexis!" Kate exclaimed. "I'm only going there for six months to a year for training."

"I understand that Kate. I do. That's why Dad is so upset, he kept saying, "I thought she meant always," and then shut himself in his office."

"I meant always, Alexis."

"You meant it? As in the past? You don't anymore?"

Kate was shaking her head, that wasn't what she was trying to say. "Alexis, I just think…I think we need some time apart."

"Time apart?"

"Yes," Kate said, gaining confidence now that it seemed Alexis understood. "Just some time apart, I don't want to break up."

"Time apart means goodbye Kate. It always has and it always will."

"Alexis…"

Kate heard Alexis sigh before she spoke, "Kate, if you go away that's the end; it means you're breaking up with Dad."

Kate was shaking her head, "No Alexis, no it doesn't. We'll talk to each other every night and he can visit every other weekend."

Alexis sighed again and said, "Kate, you said six months to a year of training. That isn't going to be easy and you won't be able to talk to Dad every day..."

"But we will!" Kate said, interrupting.

"You may want to now Kate, but once you're there and Dad is here, you're going to be busy learning so many new things, and most of them will probably be secret and not something you can share with Dad. You'll soon only be talking a few days a week and not be able to see each other on those weekends you've planned with all the work you're doing. Before long the visits will stop, the calls will be once a week, then twice a month and during that time you'll be interacting with other people, making other friends."

Kate shook her head and tried to interrupt, to deny what Alexis was saying, but she just kept on speaking. "Then one day you'll go out for a drink with a male colleague or friend, then it will coffee and lunch, more and more time together and then after a while you won't even think of Dad outside of reading one of his books." She paused and added, "Some time apart _always_ means goodbye."

Kate was violently shaking her head, "No! No, Alexis, it won't be like that!"

"Kate, it's always like that. You'll be a Federal Agent and you won't have any time for anyone, just the job."

"Alexis, it's not like that at all!"

"Do remember my last week working with the Medical Examiner's office?"

"Yes…" Kate said, wondering where this was going.

"Do you recall Agent Connor? He was only a few years older than me and asked me out?"

"Oh yes," Kate replied, "He came by to get some information from Perlmutter."

"That's right. Do you remember what you told me then?"

Kate froze. Now she knew where Alexis was going with this. "Yes…" the word slowly coming out of her mouth.

"You said to think twice before I agree to go out with an agent. Then you told me about Agent Shaw, who missed so many days with her husband and daughter because of her job. How there were only phone calls when she was away on a case for who knows how long."

"Yes, but…"

"Then you told me about that guy you dated, I think his name was Will."

"Yes, that's his name."

"You said how you had a relationship that seemed to be going somewhere when he suddenly left for Boston."

"He left me for a job, Alexis," Kate said with some residual anger toward Will.

Her voice was very soft when Alexis said, "Have you looked in a mirror Kate?"

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**AUTHORS NOTE: I'll cover this at the end of chapter 2.**


	2. Chapter 2

The face in the mirror

Chapter 2

by RGoodfellow64

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Disclaimer: I think I covered that in chapter 1.

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"He left me for a job, Alexis," Kate said with some residual anger toward Will.

Her voice was very soft when Alexis said, "Have you looked in a mirror Kate?"

Kate was stunned. When speaking to Alexis, Kate had always been amazed at how poised she is, how intelligent she is, how caring she is. She tended to forget that Alexis was raised by Richard Castle, the man who figured her out within a few hours of meeting her. Alexis was sharp, and her tongue could be the same.

"Uhhh…" she couldn't think of a response to Alexis' comment. It never dawned on her that her actions in taking the Homeland Security job would mimic Will's.

While Kate was trying to come up with something to say, Alexis continued. "I went to visit Lanie this morning and although I didn't want to eavesdrop, when I heard Dad's name mentioned I hid outside her office and overheard a conversation she had with Detective Esposito."

Pausing a moment to give Kate a chance to speak but hearing nothing but her breathing over the line, Alexis continued, "They were talking about how you aren't sure where your relationship with Dad is going. That you think he's taking you for granted."

"Alexis…"

"Do you really think that Kate?"

"Alexis, we've been together for a year now, and it's great, it really, really is, but…"

When Kate paused Alexis asked, "But?"

Finally, the words came out, "But I don't know where we're going! I don't know if he's in this all the way or if he's getting tired of me."

"Kate? You really think…"

Kate interrupted Alexis and said, "He chased me for so long, what if it isn't enough any more. We never talk about the future, it's all about now." She paused for a moment and added in a small voice that slowly faded as she spoke, "I don't know if he wants to be with me so I thought a little time apart might make him think…"

As Kate's voice died down to a whisper Alexis said, "I stood outside her office for almost twenty minutes Kate. I heard Detective Esposito say that he didn't understand, especially after the bomb."

"The bomb?" Kate asked.

Alexis' voice was firm when she said, "I heard the whole story Kate. The bomb you were standing on for so long a couple of weeks ago, when Dad stood with you the entire time, right down to the last second. Kate, he was willing to die with you rather than live without you and you wonder if he wants to be with you?"

Those last words were spoken in disbelief and Kate was again stunned by the brutal honesty coming from Alexis. Rick did stay with her; he chose to be with her rather than his daughter or mother. _He_ chose _her_! The magnitude of those words caused her to again stop and think. To wonder what she had been worried about.

"Detective Esposito said you started acting weird during the case with Eric Vaughn. Lanie said Vaughn kissed you but you pushed him away, and I'm very glad to hear that, but Kate, I remember during that case Dad was upset…he was very upset."

Kate found her voice and replied, "He didn't need to be."

"Really? He was afraid you'd move on and leave him for something better, and aren't you doing that now?"

Kate shook her head and said, "Alexis, it's not what you think."

"Are you sure? Kate, since that case you've been different, even I could sense something was off with you, and I'm not around that much."

"Different how?" Kate asked.

"It feels like you're pulling away, that you've found something better."

"No! Alexis, I love your father!"

"And yet you're leaving him," Alexis said softly. Before Kate could reply Alexis added, "Lanie mentioned that Vaughn said you were remarkable. Dad told you that you're extraordinary. I never thought remarkable trumped extraordinary."

Without realizing it Kate said, "He hasn't told me lately."

"He decided he'd rather die with you than live without you Kate, I'd think that should show you how much he cares!" When she didn't hear anything from Kate, Alexis added, "And it wasn't the first time, either."

The pain that Kate had felt earlier was gone; in its place was a hurt that was far stronger. She'd run away again. As much and as deeply as she loves Rick, she fell back on an old habit and ran away again.

As Kate was thinking Alexis ended the call by saying, "He loves you Kate, he loves you so much. This is destroying him." Before she could respond, Kate heard a click and knew that Alexis had disconnected the call.

She had no idea how much time had passed since Alexis ended the call, she just sat there, staring at the two bottles and thinking. Thinking of all that she wanted with Rick. Thinking of how they never just sat down and discussed anything. Thinking of how she never told him a thing when she was asked and then accepted the job. Here she was wanting more from him, and she hid away her plans, her concerns and her worries. 'What a hypocrite you are,' she thought to herself. What she demanded from him she refused to give.

"Enough!" she said, standing up from the couch. She knew they needed to talk about this; '_I_ need to talk about this,' she thought, 'and apologize for making my decision without discussing it with him first.' Even though she'd worried he might not be all the way in while she was, what she did wasn't right, or fair to either of them.

She might take the job or she may not, but whatever happened it would happen because they both made a decision. 'He's too important to me not to try', she thought.

Walking to the door, she grabbed her purse and put her phone in it. She would go to Rick and talk. Something she thought they were good at but these last few weeks have shown otherwise.

As she was turning off the light, she paused, then firmly walked to the kitchen and picked up the bottle of wine. "We're either going to be fine or we aren't," she said softly to herself, "But whatever happens tonight, it will be special."

She walked out the door and locked it. Her future would be decided tonight, she would make that decision with her partner and for the first time since she got home, she felt hopeful.

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**AUTHORS NOTE: First, I want to say I started this story with one idea and shortly into it, it took a complete 180 and went in another direction. Muses, they are honestly more confusing than wives are.**

**This is not a blame Kate fic. I think the episodes in this arc are going to show more of what she wants and hopes from Rick, and that they both are still stone stupid when it comes to communicating with each other. To me this fic is hopeful, as Kate wants to discuss the future with Rick. Will she stay with the NYPD or take the government job? We don't know here, we only know that she is hopeful that whatever path is chosen, they take it together. In the end, that's really all they can ask of each other.**


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